..........Information for Parents of Gay Children..........

What is happening to me? And to my Child? What's happening is that you're finding out something very important about who your child is, and your child has revealed something very important to you about who he or she is. This can be a shattering experience for a parent, or it can be a growing experience. It depends on you. There are some definite stages to the process you have embarked upon, whether willingly or not. They involve learning and growing. Sometimes it will be painful, sometimes joyful. What you get out of it depends on what you're willing to put into it, and how open you can hold your mind. Some parents hold their prejudices more dearly than their children and actually reject their children outright, and simply disown them and throw them out on the street. You probably haven't done that, or you wouldn't be reading this. Right there, that puts you statistically ahead of fully one fourth of parents of gay children. Why did my child have to tell me? Your child wants to be honest with you. Trying to pretend to be something he or she is not, is a tremendous burden, one that carries with it a great deal of guilt and shame. You've tried to teach your child honesty, and now your child has shown that he or she loves you enough to be honest with you about who he or she is, even at great personal risk of rejection. In making this revelation, your child has lifted a great burden of guilt and shame from his or her shoulders, and you need to understand what a great relief it is to not have to lie about who you are. As a parent, you doubtlessly value honesty in your child a great deal. It is a mark of his or her character. And the fact that your child has entrusted you with this information is an indication that your efforts in teaching him or her honesty and integrity have paid off. While this is undeniably a great burden for you, it is also an opportunity. The opportunity lies in the fact that you now know your child better than you ever did, and so this situation affords you the opportunity to get closer to your child than you have ever been. If you can be honest with your child about your own feelings, and how you love him or her in spite of this revelation, you can use this situation to draw closer to your child and become more important to him or her than you have ever been. Isn't this what you want as a parent? Is it my fault? Wondering if you did something wrong? Wondering if there is something you didn't do right? Why has this happened to you? Don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. Chances are you're a wonderful parent, and your gay child is going to be a wonderful adult like yourself. Your gay or transgendered child isn't that way because of anything you did, nor anything anyone else did, for that matter. As science learns more about the origins of homosexuality and transgenderism, it is becoming increasingly clear that these orientations have their origins very early in life. Most gay men and a large number of lesbians will tell you that they knew early in life -- in some cases, awareness of being "different" are among the earliest memories. Some evidence even indicates prenatal influences, even genetic patterns are involved. The old claim by psychologists that homosexuality indicates a weak father and a domineering mother have long since been disproven by study after study. The only psychologists that still maintain such positions are those who have a hidden agenda -- usually a religious agenda, or a deeply homophobic attitude. Objective science has long since abandoned the idea that parenting styles has any significant influence on homosexual or transgendered orientations. The most important emotional contribution any parent can make to their childrens' lives is to love them. Like most parents, you've done that, and continue to do so, or you wouldn't be here reading this. And now that you know about your child's orientation, they need your love and support more than ever. That's what this web page is all about -- helping you love your child and giving him or her the support he or she needs. Who recruited my kid? Nobody. Your child was gay from a surprisingly young age, and never made a conscious choice to be gay, so no-one could have recruited him or her. It's tempting to go looking for scapegoats. This is a deeply emotional issue for parents, and one that brings out all the protective instincts in good parents. It is impossible for anyone to recruit anybody to "be gay." The reason for this is simple -- being gay isn't a choice anyone consciously makes. Stop and ask yourself -- when did you make a conscious decision to be heterosexual? To be attracted to only persons of the opposite sex? Of course you never did. Can you pick and choose who excites you physically? Of course you can't. And neither can your child. Since he or she can't consciously decide who to be attracted to, being told that attractions to the same sex are wrong or evil can really be painful, because he or she can't prevent those feelings. They just happen. Over time, that guilt, fear and anger can build to create depression to the point of suicide. As a parent, you need to be sensitive to the feelings of guilt and fear. Your child is gay not because of anything you or anyone else did. While science can't explain precisely what causes homosexuality, leading researchers in the field have shown that both genetics and environmental influences play a part (see the bibliography section for more information). Should we tell the family? What about the neighbors? The decision to tell anyone else really belongs with your child. He or she has an enormous investment in many relationships that could be damaged or destroyed by such revelations, and for his or her own psychological well-being, it is important for him or her to be in control of who is told. This is often difficult for a parent to realize, but it can often be extremely difficult for a child to tell someone he or she has known most or all of his or her life about such matters, when the very real chance exists that the person being told will reject him or her and refuse any further contact. Another consideration is the fact that the child may have more experience in dealing with the issue of prejudice and discrimination than you may realize. He or she may have been out to trusted friends for years before you were told. And in so doing, your child may have learned far more about how to handle this kind of revelation than you may suspect. You cannot make your child be honest, particularly when the consequences can be as devastating as outright rejection. Your child will grow far stronger morally if he or she does this on his or her own, or you make the revelation with his or her permission, than if you simply tell others without asking. But the bible says this is a terrible sin! Not so fast... Biblical scholars aren't quite so quick to rush to judgement as are many local preachers and televangelists. Here's what the bible experts have to say. The whole tone of the bible on the subject of homosexuality has been misconstrued. The ancients weren't anywhere near as concerned about it as modern interpreters imagine. This link will give you an overview of what the ancient writers of scripture really had in mind. About Sodom and Gommorah... The prophet Ezekiel discusses at some length the sins of Sodom, and makes it clear that the sin of sodom wasn't homosexuality, it was inhospitality towards travelers from the desert (Ezek. 16:48-50). That this was the interpretation of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah held by Jesus is clear (Matthew 10:14-15, Mark 6:11, Luke 10:11-12); in using Sodom as an example in these scriptures, Jesus is making reference to the interpretation of the event by Ezekiel. Some versions of the bible even have Jesus quote Ezekiel in this context. Gay people in the bible Gay people see themselves portrayed positively in several places in the bible. In the Old Testament, the entire book of Ruth is one of the most beautiful stories of love between two women that has ever been written. How ironic it is that many passages from this beautiful scripture have been used over the years in heterosexual marriage ceremonies! The story of David and Johnathan in the book of I Samuel is also a beautiful gay love story (I Samuel 19:1 through 23:29). In it, each shows the committment and sacrifice for each other that every gay couple has experienced and can instantly recognize. Even Jesus was unquestionably aware of homosexuality, and yet there is no record that he ever condemned it. In at least one instance, he praised the faith of a gay man! In the original Greek version of the beautiful story of Jesus healing the centurion's servant (Matthew 8:5-13, Luke 7:2-10), the words used to describe the centurion's companion isn't "servant" at all. They translate accurately as "beloved boy," a phrase that clearly connotes the common practice at the time of older gay men or gay men in positions of authority keeping younger men as their lovers and partners. But isn't homosexuality an unnatural perversion? Homosexuality is a normal part of human behavior, apparently biological in origin, and can't be changed. It appears with about the same frequency in all cultures. Homosexuality is more about love than it is about sex. The hatemongers out there would love to have us believe that homosexuals are all perverted sex addicts, out to destroy every vestige of family life and childhood innocence. The reality is quite different. Being gay isn't about sex as much as it is about love. Being gay means loving persons of the same sex. For most gay men and lesbians, sex is an adjunct to love, just like it is for most heterosexuals. Why should love between two consenting persons be considered wrong? Simply being gay does not mean there is an overwhelming drive to have sex as often as possible, nor is there any drive to have sex with children or with the unwilling. Such notions come from another age, when nothing was known about homosexuality other than rumor and stereotypes. Yet it is surprising how often those notions are still presented as fact. Homosexuality is quite natural, too. It is cross-cultural, meaning that it appears with about the same frequency in all cultures. How those cultures handle it, of course varies substantially. Many Native American cultures celebrated it -- and considered it a great spiritual gift, even making great spiritual leaders of their gay men. Even today, there are many cultures around the world where it is considered quite normal and natural. Our response to homosexuality and transgenderism in this culture is the result simply of cultural influences. Many other cultures, greatly admired by our own (such as the ancient Greeks for example), were highly supportive of their gay, lesbian and transgendered members. Our own discrimination against the homosexuals in our midst says more about us than about others! I have no problem with my child being gay. It doesn't matter to me! Are you sure? Here are some questions to ask yourself. If you answer them honestly, it will reveal to you just how accepting you really are. Are you uncomfortable around your child's partner? This says a whole lot about your acceptance of your child's homosexuality. If you are uncomfortable with your child's partner, stop and ask yourself why you are uncomfortable. If the partner were of the opposite sex, would you be comfortable with him or her? Now, be honest -- if you would be comfortable around that same person if he or she were of the opposite sex, you aren't quite so accepting, are you? Does your child's openness bother you? If your child wears rainbow jewelry or has a bumper sticker on his or her car? Are you embarrassed to be around that kind of display? Figure she or he is "flaunting" it? Consider the constant "flaunting" heterosexuals do -- holding hands and even kissing in public, the advertising for bluejeans, perfume, gift items and a thousand other things. In your child's eyes, that's flaunting, but it doesn't seem that way to you. So try to see yourself through your child's perspective -- and realize that "flaunting" to you is simply being open to him or her. Do you try to keep your hetersexuality a secret? Of course not. So why do you think your child should be asked to keep his or her homosexuality a secret? If that still bothers you, maybe you do have a problem with your child's homosexuality Do you find the thought of your child actually marrying his or her partner to be abhorrent? This one's a biggie. More than 70 percent of the U.S. population is opposed to the idea of gay marriage. And that's mostly because of the nonsensical ideas about marriage they have -- families are for raising children, etc. Well, the reality is that we all marry because we are in love or think we are. Should your child be denied the opportunity to marry the informed, consenting adult of his or her choice? When Denmark began allowing a form of gay marriage in 1989, most of the population was opposed. Now, most of it is in favor, overwhelmingly, in fact, including 89% of the church clergy that originally opposed it. Why the dramatic change in attitude? Because it has proven to be such a good thing -- just like heterosexual marriage! Are you having trouble with the idea of gay sex? Consider that most of the sexual practices engaged in by gay couples are also sexual practices of many hetersexual couples. If that doesn't bother you just as much, maybe you ought to think about the difference for a minute. Is there any? If you consider there to be a difference, then that indicates you have a problem with homosexuality itself. Are you bothered by the words "homosexual," "gay," "lesbian," or "queer?" If so, stop and think about why. It is probably because they have some bad connotations in your mind. Where did those connotations come from? Do they apply to your child? Your child is the same as most other gay persons -- so why the evil connotations? Being supportive of your child requires accepting your child fully. If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then you've flunked the acceptance test and have got some homework to do. Your assignment is to check out an organization set up with the idea that parents who've been where you are now are the best people to help you understand what your child's homosexuality is really all about. You can find their details from any gay help or advice line. What on earth is going on in my child's mind? If your child came out to you voluntarily, it might surprise you to learn some of the matters your child considered before coming out to you. If you'd like to understand some of the questions your child asked him/herself, read Justin's Letter to a Friend. It is a really touching letter written by a gay youth to a friend to help him understand who he is. If your child came out voluntarily, your child had a lot to consider before coming out to you. A book has been written that has been written specifically to help you understand what has Even now, now that your child has come out to you, your child is justifiably frightened about how you will react in the long run. Your child is no doubt aware that approximately one in four teens in the United States who come out to their parents end up dispossessed and living on the streets, surviving usually by selling drugs or their bodies. A large percentage of these young people don't survive long enough to register to vote. If your child is still a teen, he or she doubtless has at least some fear of this happening. It is vitally important that you assure your child that he/she will not be disowned or dispossessed by you, because your child is more important to you than your fears or prejudices could ever be. Make this clear -- and give him or her a hug! Let them know you still love him or her as much as ever! Can my child be cured of homosexuality? Lots of people promise "cures," but none can deliver. There are lots of groups and individuals around who will promise you that they can "cure" your child of homosexuality. The fact is, they can't. The American Psychiatric Association has looked into the issue of so-called "reparative therapy" and "conversion therapy." The result was their statement on homosexuality. Though carefully worded to avoid controversy, it makes no bones about the fact that such therapies have not been shown to be particularly effective, and can actually be harmful. The draft statement, stubbornly opposed and eventually defeated in convention by a small but very vocal minority of fundamentalist Christian psychiatrists, is much more strongly worded. Because homosexuality is such a deeply ingrained, even biological aspect of your child's being and identity as a human, no one, no matter how sincere, can change it. It's like trying to change hair color or handedness. Scientists who have studied this issue say that claims of a "cure" don't stand up to scruitiny. The few studies claiming success have been shown to be fatally flawed. Usually the sampling of "cured" homosexuals is flawed or those claiming a "cure" really aren't "cured" when questioned closely. There are a number of Christian groups around, most of them associated with particular sects, who claim to be able to "cure" homosexuality. What they really succeed in doing is to merely repress it. Repressing sexuality usually makes it come out in another form. Witness the problems the Catholic church is having with pedophilia among its priests. So attempting to repress your child's sexual orientation in this way is only asking for trouble later on. There are a number of therapists, mostly psychiatrists, who claim to be able to "cure" homosexuality. Again, the studies they point to invariably turn out to be fatally flawed. Steer well clear of any therapist who makes such a claim. The problems that can be created by attempts to cure homosexuality can last a lifetime, and can be scarring, even debilitating, as this letter on conversion therapy by a psychiatrist to his professional association makes clear. It describes his experience in dealing with reparative therapies, and the results of such misguided attempts to change a basic behavior. My child couldn't possibly be gay. He doesn't fit the image! Don't count on it. You'd be surprised at who's gay! It's a common saying in the gay community that if all the faces of gays in church on sunday suddenly turned purple, you'd be amazed at all the purple faces around you! On and off the pulpit! People you never suspect -- accountants, welders, ranchers, doctors, mechanics, lawyers and even conservative politicians! Many gay people live "in the closet" all their lives and never tell anyone except their lovers. What a tragedy! Their families never know them, their co-workers and colleages never really get to know who they are. Friendships are based on a lie. Trust and acceptance are a function of deceit. Does this mean my child is going to be wildly flamboyant, offending everyone I know? Not neccessarily. The vast majority of gay persons live lives indistinguishable from anyone else except for who they come home to. Learn here about their lives. Even if your child is flamboyant, don't you still love him or her? Of course you do. Diversity is what flavors our culture and gives it richness and beauty. Your gay child may or may not be flamboyant, screaming to the world about what makes him/her different. Of course you wouldn't want to dress or behave like that, but your child is a soverign person who has the right to express him/herself. As a parent, sometimes you just have to step aside and let them do "their own thing." As long as no one else gets hurt... But chances are, your child is just like every other kid on the block. He or she probably runs around with the same crowd as all the other kids, enjoys pizza and hamburgers, and goes to the same school activities as all the other kids. The point is, that whatever your child is now, don't expect that to change. Your child is the same person he or she always was, and your new understanding of him or her won't change that. If you are a good parent, however, your understanding of your child's sexual orientation should actually help improve your relationship to each other and closeness as a family. Whether that happens or not depends on you. This new revelation can be a starting point for a whole new level of parent child interaction and closeness, or it can be a point of contention and arguement. It all depends on how accepting you choose to be. This is awful! It means my kid's going to live a lonely, miserable life! But I'll never have any grandchildren! Don't count your gay child out! Many options are available to gay, lesbian and transgendered people for raising children, both their own and children they adopt. If your gay child wants children, he or she can have them, and that makes you a grandparent! The options for gay men Gay men often come to a gay marriage with child from a failed attempt at a heterosexual relationship. When this happens, both partners usually raise the child as their own, both showing equal commitment to the child. Childless gay male couples have the option of either adopting or surrogate mothering, often by lesbian couples who perform this service out of love for the gay men who are part of their community. This is happening with increasing frequency. The surrogate mother is inseminated either with the gay man's sperm or with an anonymous donor's sperm. There's no substitute for talking things over with a parent whose been there before you. Give it a try! The information on this page has been copied from a page on the web. 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